Lets talk about a subject very close to my hea…er, arse….
Bidets, or the lack of them….
The subject’s come up, as its has been on mind of late, namely cause I’m changing the crappy default bidets in my new house.(or at last planning to, I haven’t actually gotten around to it)
Now I have a fondness for bidets, and I just can’t understand why Europe, and the U.S doesn’t share that fondness with me.
Of course, I’m not talking about the bidet that acts as the receptacle for your recycled consumer beverage produce, I’m talking about “the other one”. Yes, the under appreciated, seldom heard of, bidet. you know, The one which unleashes a jet stream of refreshing water in the general direction of your bottom.
For the sake of convenience, ill call it the fountain-bidet, or the Water-bidet for the duration of this article/masterpiece/discourse on modern hygiene paraphernalia.
Now, a good water bidet is an essential tool in the connoisseur’s bathroom, so the issue at hand here is, why is this engineering marvel not available in Europe, or the U.S??????? Is it an abomination? Is it the devil’s mirror? Is it communist subversive propaganda? Why on earth would Europeans and Americans want to be walking around with itchy, feces stained bottoms? Doesn’t it reduce productivity in the workplace? My calculations, based on a minutes or two of my own speculative thought process, point to a 15 percent reduction in the productivity of the contemporary western working man , due to chronic itchy bottom syndrome, and “analia shiteria” , not to mention increased levels of hostility and aggression in the workplace, and a marked decrease in the general happy factor.
BUTT, seriously. I’ve traveled to a few places in Europe in the past, both western and eastern Europe, and I never found any bathroom equipped with a bidet. I was shocked and appalled. Furthermore, I suffered from distress and anxiety due to that fact, and had to spend a good 5 minutes extra above allotted standard crap-time, wetting standard issue toilet paper and applying it to my bottom in a vain attempt to mimic normal water-bidet function and behavior. All in all, I found the usually pleasurable trip to the water closet, had turned into a nightmarish, hellish escapade into a world of grievous danger, and self doubt.
I can’t for the life of me figure out why Europe doesn’t endorse water-to-bottom cleaning contraptions, and why Europeans don’t want to use them. It is a mystery to me, one which I will in all likelihood take with me to my grave.
Therefore, I call upon the forces of good in the civilized world, to initiate a widespread, extensive campaign of mass public education, and awareness about the benefits a clean bottom can have for all mankind. It is my sincere belief, that most major global conflicts and wars, are caused by irritable people with itchy bottoms. Had G.(W.C).Bush had a clean bottom during his first administration, the Iraq and Afghanistan wars would never have taken place, and many innocent bottoms would have been spared. I also call upon The U.N general assembly, and permanent members of the security council, to draft a resolution advocating the use of water-bidet apparatus to combat global warming, regional conflict and disease and poverty. After all, the only thing they seem to be good at is talking crap.
Let the slogan be quite clichéd “people who don’t use bidets, Stink”!!!
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